I turned to move to the counter and discovered a woman, Mrs. Barktooth (her teeth were the color of tree bark) standing behind me with her daughter,  Ms. BreadMouth (whose rusty braces were caked with bread—YUCK!).  I thought perhaps I was blocking their way while viewing the sewing table (after all, I’ll be the first to admit, I can block an aisle well!).  I said “excuse me” and stepped out of the way as I said my goodbyes to Grandma.  Mrs. Barktooth and her daughter scooted around me and headed further into the store as I made my way up the aisle to inform the clerk that I wanted to purchase the sewing table. 

After telling the clerk of my wishes, I was curtly informed that someone had already said they were going to purchase the sewing table.  Curious, I asked who.  Sure enough, it was the woman who had been standing behind me.  Not satisfied with walking away and letting it be, I asked her why she would do that when she clearly heard my conversation that I wished to purchase the table for my Grandma.  Her reply was simply “it’s not my fault you walk slow.”  Actually, the reply was more like “it not maa fawlt yew wulk slew.” 

I informed her, politely despite my increasing urge to hulk out, that her actions and comments were rude.  She replied with the grand-daddy of all comments “Fuuuk yew!”  The clerk, hearing this reply simply reminded us that we were in a Christian store, to which Mrs. Barktooth chastised me by saying “that’s raaght, this hewre is a Chreestian stowre and yew arrrrent acting like a Chreestian to me and maa dawter hewre.”

That was it... my muscles twitched, and I felt my t-shirt ripping from the growth of my biceps as my skin turned green.  The clerk looked nervous as I stepped closer to Barktooth, leaned in and proceeded to give her a piece of my mind about Christian values, parenting, and how they collide with the use of profanity.   I bid the clerk good evening and left the store satisfied that, if nothing more, I made the tooth twins think a little. 

I headed to the Hallmark next door before heading to my car.  Afterwards, as I unlocked my car door, I noticed Mrs. Barktooth and Ms. Breadmouth climbing into the beat-up old pick-up truck next to me.  Having returned to a normal demeanor and shade of skin color, I decided to keep my mouth shut.  However, Mrs. Barktooth was just itching for a tongue-lashing.  As she was pulling out of her space, she honked at me and her daughter gave me the finger.  I quickly decided that despite how much fun it would be, rear-ending her several times like the Evelyn on Fried Green Tomatoes did, despite my excellent insurance, would be an unwise action.  I simply screamed out the window “Get Steralized!”

I seem to have a penchant for observing parents acting like buffoons.  Perhaps my overzealous wishing to become a parent is what makes me so critical of others, or perhaps these people really should have had to pass some sort of test to become parents.  Either way, mandatory birth control for idiots has always been high on my list of “Things That Could Cure Society."