I recently went on a Play Date with my ex best friend’s soon to be ex husband. I had heard he was having a hard time meeting people to Play Date since most everyone at the park with kids are women. And well, when a strange guy tries to start up a conversation with you, even if it is about diaper rash, you can’t help but wonder, ‘Is this asshole hitting on me? I haven’t showered in 3 days or shit in 4. What kind of pervert is this creep?’ So being the ever sweet gal that I am, and since I like my ex best friend’s soon to be ex husband, I emailed him for a Play Date.
The Date went great! His daughter and my daughter are the same age and got along as well as kids who still count their ages in months can. We played for about an hour. We talked about the exciting new things our girls could do, caught up on each other’s careers, pitied the poor children at the park who will never ever be as awesome as our little ladies. The usual. All in all, a very good first Date. And like any good first date, as it comes to a close you start laying the groundwork for Date #2…
EXT. PARK- DUSK
A young DAD, baby in his arms, walks with a used-to-be-young MOM also carrying baby. By the look of MOM’s greasy hair and pained expression, we can assume she hasn’t shit or showered for at least 72 hours. They arrive at a shiny, black Range Rover or Land Rover, The Mars Rover, something expensive and tinted.
DAD: Well, this is me.
DIRTY, CONSTIPATED MOM: Oh, ok. Great seeing you guys.
Awkward hug cum handshake
DC MOM: We should do this again soon.
DAD: Yeah, that’d be great.
DC MOM: Next week?
DAD: I’m out of town next week.
DC MOM: Oh, no worries. How about the week after?
DAD: I start back to work that week.
DC MOM: Hmmm… maybe on a Saturday then?
DAD: Um, yeah. Or I could just send her with the Nanny to meet you guys somewhere?
The sound of grinding breaks screeching to a halt.
DC & HUMILIATED MOM: Um…yeah.
DAD: Ok, cool. See ya later.
DC & H Mom walks home with baby, bewildered but somewhat relieved that something has happened that has made her able to shit.
An offer to hang out with his 1 year old and his Nanny? Ok, I’ll admit compared to the other L.A. moms at the park that day, with their Rock & Republic jeans and their faces botoxed just the right amount I looked like ‘Mama’ from ‘Throw Mama From The Train’ but this wasn’t a real date, it was a play date. Weren’t my witty comments and profound insights on Zoie and Rosita secretly bring mother and daughter enough to get me a second date before being banished to the Nanny?! And then it dawned on me, we see play dates as two totally different things. For my money a Play Date has about 0% to do with the kids and everything to do with the parents. My daughter will eat sand with just about anybody I’m looking for someone for ME to date. But my ex best friend’s soon to be ex husband was actually thinking it’s about what’s best for the kids. Amateur. I’m looking for that special someone who’s funny and mellow and who won’t judge me for getting a soft pretzel and dipping it in that bright orange nacho “cheese” sauce every time we hit the mall play area. And hey, if Isabelle happens to enjoy herself too well then that’s just a bonus.
Foolishly, I thought that getting married and having children would relieve me of the awkward and sometimes painful realities of dating… Amateur.
