EmDog

EmDog

 

 

           

Update of December 2010’s “My Kick Ass List for 2010 (How I’m going 2 b a more kick-ass parent as I enter the dawning of my 40^th year)”

 

Do you remember when Prince used to give his songs subtitles and substitute numbers and letters in place of very short words?  If the answer is yes and u have kids, know I am 1 of u. (I’ll bet Prince is a natural at texting.) Update: Seriously, I think I need ADHD meds.  This opening paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of this piece….just a random thought flitting through my brain. That is so weird.

 

Anyway, my August contribution to Sahmmy.com is like the montage/flashback episode of your favorite old sit-com in syndication on TBS.  It’s August and thank God school starts soon because the kids ate my brain for their summer vacation.  I was thinking of what to write about and then I was thinking wow, what have I done this summer? What’s been going on that I can laugh about?  Well, we had some family-drama at the family reunion that we cannot speak of until we have at least 2 conflict-free reunions under our collective belts.  I got a speeding ticket on the way to my summer-camp reunion and the brakes failed in dramatic fashion resulting in the junk-yard becoming our mini-van’s “forever home”.  Frankly, I’m still a little raw and not looking forward to what Flo has to offer us at auto-insurance renewal time.

 

So, instead of dwelling on things outside of my control (like my grey-matter eating babies and at-fault accidents) I decided to check-in with me and see how my year is going.

 

My 39^th birthday was earlier this month! By the way, I was very put off by the number of my work associates that, when I said, “I’m 39 today!” responded with”And holding?” or “Still?” or “Again?” Seriously, that hurt my feelings.  But, whatever.

Update: Happy News--the woman who sits in the cubicle in front of me at my new job was shocked to find I am turning 40 in 4 months! She said she thought I was in my 20’s.  I am trying to not think she just finds me immature.  Sad News—in June I was bent over (get your mind out of the gutter!), blow-drying my hair and noticed significant cleavage fine line & wrinkling. Fuck.

 

Anyway, this year I feel compelled to set goals because I’m turning 40 in 2010 and, I have some regular New-Yearsy type goals as well. I want to lose weight, grow out my hair, floss every day, run a 10K in May and spend more quality time with the family. Blah, blah, blah.  These are the normal, typical types of goals that lots of us set each year but, honestly, not many of us will really achieve.  It is nearly impossible to grow out bad bangs. Everyone knows that. Update: Yay! I have lost 32 pounds, flossed twice, started running, sprained my ankle, did not run a 10K, and, re-arranged my work schedule so I am off on Saturdays so I can be “Fun Mommy”.  Best of all, I can now tuck my bangs behind my ears.  And, I found 2 grey hairs. On my head, thank god. Whew.

 

So, this year, in addition to my regular New Years Resolutions, I am setting Kick- ASS goals. Kick-ASS goals are like S.T.A.R. goals, only cooler.

 

(STAR stands for Specific, Trackable, Accountable and Realistic or something close to that. Ask your Starbucks Barista or anyone who has ever taken any kind of sales classes.)

 

These are the Kick-ASS goals that I have set that, in my mind, relate to parenting.

 

1)    I will always go with my gut, even when it may at first seem like a knee-jerk reaction when I think something is inappropriate for my children.  Case in point: I had a feeling Miley Cyrus was icky but I had no clear evidence. I watched her Hannah Montana show on Disney and it seemed ok. And, I truly thought it was possible her head had been photo-shopped onto pixs of some other teen doing mildly obscene things with a camera phone.  Then, I won tickets to her concert for my 5 year old daughter and me.  Well, Miz Miley spent a lot of the concert either bent over singing to her crotch or grinding her crotch on the seat of a flying motorcycle overtop her audience of mainly girls under 10 years old.  I think we’ll stick to the tried and true mother-daughter movie night. We’ll watch something more appropriate for a 5 year-old.   I’ve borrowed Pretty Baby on DVD from the library. Update: Still want to see Kick Ass but after some cautionary Facebook postings and an awesome clip of a tween-girl blowing a guy’s brains out, we have decided not to take the kids.

 

2)    Speaking of prostitutes, I’m going to pimp out my husband more around the house.  I have to say, (patting my back a bit while I do), that I do not nag my husband nearly as much as I could.   I love my mother dearly and with all my heart.  She is a warm, wonderful wife and mother but, damn, she can nag.  I don’t want to be like that.  I never come home and complain that the kids are unwashed, the kitchen’s a mess and the homework’s not done. I don’t even make honey-do lists! Why? Well, for one, I am a naturally sweet and tolerant person with endless patience. And, obviously, if my husband doesn’t do these chores, I feel less guilty about not doing them myself.  Unfortunately, the result is a very messy house and kids with filthy ears.  I live in fear of someday having to call an ambulance to our house for whatever reason and it being such a mess that the paramedics call in social services to remove our kids from the unsuitable living conditions. Or, worse yet, winding up in some kind of intervention for Hoarders! Typically, when I do get around to cleaning it’s usually in the 6 hours before his mother comes to visit. He’s tired after a long day at work and I end up doing most of it myself. “No, that’s fine, I can do it. “  So, by the time my mother-in-law arrives, I am feeling very bitchy and sleep deprived. (Usually I am up until 3am cleaning the fucking microwave in this scenario.)

Update: Last time my in-laws came, my husband cleaned the bathroom. He attacked that task like he was Mike Rowe on Dirty Jobs. Good job, honey! (Condescending back pat, back pat.)

    

     Clearly, the solution to my problem is having my husband pick up more slack on a regular basis. I’ll make lists and charts for him if that’s what it takes.  I will make that sacrifice for my family.  Speaking of which, the kids are 5 and 7 now.  They can have a more responsibility too. Update: Our son keeps nagging us for allowance.  I told him he’d have to start doing chores.  I gave him a choice; clean his room or clean the bathroom. You’d have thought I had asked him to clean the sewer with bare hands and his toothbrush.  He was outraged, aghast and almost started hyper-ventilating. Upside: still not paying out allowance to either child. For my part, in order to avoid nagging and feeling guilty about him doing more housework, I’ll hire a maid to do my part. It is so important for children to see their parents problem-solve, cooperate and compromise.

 

And, finally, in 2010,

 

3)    I’m going to learn to use with confidence and ease, a few key phrases. Like:

·        “Oh yes, we were lovers many years ago…” Update: Honestly, I forgot about this one but, I still have a few months until my birthday to slip that one into conversation.

·        “No. Actually, this (fill in expensive entrée) is not good.  In fact, it is unacceptable! Please take it back.” Update: They pretty much spit in your food if you act like a douche in restaurants, I’m afraid.  This dream will is reserved for a character in my next (first) screenplay.or,

·        “You didn’t give me the juice boxes. I was supposed to get juice boxes with the Happy Meals and I didn’t get them!” 

 

     I think it is very important for our kids to learn to be assertive.  What better way is there to teach them to stand up for themselves than by modeling good behavior?  And, as for the “lover” thing, I have always admired women who can say “lover” in casual conversation with a straight face.  In fact, I am still in   awe of my friend, The Mutha, because in her wedding vows she referred to her husband-to-be as   her “lover”. All I could think of at the time was, “Crap, now her parents know they’ve slept together!” I know that’s weird in this    day and age but, honestly, I couldn’t say “leg” without feeling dirty until I was 13.  And, although I do not have intimacy issues, why can’t I say “intimate” out loud without feeling nauseous?  You know, I believe I could have gone a lot farther in stand-up comedy if I wasn’t so worried about my parents finding out the intimate details of my twenty-something private life. Update: I pretended I hadn’t written anything for S@hmmy in February because I didn’t want my parents to read my Valentine’s Day roast of my ex-lovers.* Crap, I guess they can’t read this one either. Hold on…. So, (I’m having a moment here)… I guess what I’m saying is, I want to learn to say “lover” so that my children can excel in whatever field they choose.  I hereby refuse to burden my offspring with the same hang-ups that have held me back.  Mother of the year, hear I come. (Nice…Right back 2 me.) 

 

 

 

 

*I am going to count this as a conversation.