I knew you'd get through the rough patches eventually! Seriously, though, you were a mess! Remember how after we broke up

(Select one of the following)

1.     you got drunk one night, broke into the campus dining hall, stole fried chicken and got caught with a loaded gun in your closet after the campus security followed the trail of chicken bones all the way to your dorm room?

2.     your account was always over-drawn and you dated that gal your mom and dad detested who then had your baby out of wedlock and would send the baby and her other kid from a different baby-daddy over to your mom's for a visit un-washed with no extra clothes so your parents would have to buy them more?

3.     you dated 3 other girls on campus that I know of, pretty much all at the same time, eventually married one of them who later divorced you because she didn't think it was hunky-dory to have one party in the relationship receiving blow-jobs from other men. (Luckily the lesbian you are married to now doesn’t mind!)

4.     you became a border-line alcoholic,  made really poor choices and then had to get a restraining order against that ex-cop you dated who was later arrested (and I believe convicted) of murder after a missing co-ed was found in the trunk of her Crown Vic?

But, seriously ___________, look at you now…..

Okay, yes, I agree, this "letter" reads very bitter. I am not bitter.  I just think it is interesting how things work out, that’s all.

The four former flames highlighted above were the four most serious relationships I had prior to meeting my husband.  

None of the four really have much in common--except for the fact that they loved me, dumped me and then went on to have major life-drama, which I believe, was rooted in  and caused by the action of  breaking up with me.  (Actually, officially, I think I broke up with Number 3 but, we had already been “seeing other people” while I studied in Madrid for a semester [mostly so I could indulge in what was essentially a Spain to the U.K. booty call with Number 2] but then, Number 3 started dating a couple of my friends, who, he damn well knew, were out of bounds.) The regret and shame they undoubtedly felt after breaking up with me caused them to sabotage their own lives.  They remain, to this day, unable to maintain lasting, meaningful love-relationships (as far as I can tell) and are only now coming around to be productive members of society. (By my estimation.)

Anyway, Number 1 was the world’s best first boyfriend. He was super-nice, cute, a good kisser, got along with my friends, had his own friends, a great sense of humor and, his parents liked me.  He would send roses to me at school and write me sweet notes. The night we had our first kiss, we stayed up for hours staring up at a meteor shower while we held hands and talked.

Number 2, a summer romance, was a very passionate love affair. For many years, I agonized that he was the love of my life.  For me, it was love (or at the very least, extreme lust) at first sight.  He had the most ridiculous blue eyes and he winked at me in a staff meeting.  He had a sexy accent and liked my ass.  (As noted later, after I was dumped by number 1, I lost 60 pounds so my ass did look pretty good.) We took a weekend off with another couple and stayed at a bed and breakfast. I felt very adult and a little naughty. Number 2 and I had our own room with a very romantic four-poster bed. He told me he loved me before I told him.

Number 3 was a seemingly sweet guy who made me feel really sexy. He thought I was really cool. There were a lot of hormones, my roommate was away for a semester and Number 3 had an amazing chest.  So, good, in fact, he dressed as one of Madonna’s back-up dancers for Halloween and wore only jeans and a leather jacket with no shirt underneath.  You get the picture. When we first started flirting, I told him I could give him a haircut. (I had never done more than a simple bob on one of my girl-friend's hair)  Then I told him we had to do it outside and he'd have to take his shirt off.  He was putty in my hands after that.

Number 4 came at a vulnerable time in my life. I was still stupid over Number 2 and feeling burned by the infidelity (from my point of view) of Number 3.  I came to value loyalty in myself and others above all other qualities.  As it turns out, this is not good when your partner’s "other qualities" include being a control freak, the ability to quietly alienate all your friends, and, your own "other qualities" are a diminishing sense of self-worth, an increasing inability to make even simple decisions and a willingness to put up with a bad situation because promises were made.

I am willing to admit I'm not perfect either.  A letter about my post-break-up life from my exes could read like this:

Dear Ex-girlfriend,

Wow! It has been great catching up with you! I was really such a jack-ass the way I treated you before and after we broke up.  I know I caused you a lot of pain, heartache and embarrassment.  Remember how after we broke you (select one)

• Lost 60 pounds grew out your hair and had the hottest, most fun prom date ever?
• studied hard, made a lot of new friends, learned to lean on people, and began to figure out what you wanted to do with your life?
• became more independent, traveled to Europe, tried stand-up comedy and graduated from college with honors?
• ran a 10K, got your own super-sexy apartment, studied improv, made friends, rediscovered your sense of humor and self-esteem, dated a bunch of fun people, met your amazing husband, and had two beautiful kids?

Oh, yeah, that’s right!  You were a kick-ass woman with a heart of gold and a nice rack!  What was I thinking?

Sorry for being a dick,

Big Fat Jerk

Okay, alright, whatever. Fine, maybe things were a little tougher for me than that.  Everyone has obstacles to overcome when a relationship ends.

Number 1 was sweet puppy love and that break-up really hurt my pride. How dare he break up with me! Before he left for college I told him I would understand if he wanted to date other people when he got to school! I wasn’t a fool. I knew what went on at college.  Then, after I’d been reassured he didn’t want to see anyone else, he had the gall to break up with me!

Number 2 broke my heart and left it bloody and battered.  It took me years to get over it, him, and the romantic commercial that played in my head. Then, for the next 8 or 9 years would call me on a whim every year or six months or so and leave my heart aching all over again.  He didn't do it out of malice; I don't think he really had any idea how his sporadic contact affected me.  Men are dumb like that, right? And I was the dumbest of all, though.  I allowed him to do that to me time after time.   A lot of the period I dated Number 3 and then Number 4, I pined for Number 2.  Yes, you are correct, that is freaking lame.  I was 18 when I met number two. Number 4 and I were seriously dysfunctional by 25 and broken up by 27.  Wow. That's a lot of fucking years to intermittently long for a douche bag. Live and learn, right?

As previously discussed, Numbers 3 and 4 and I had irreconcilable differences.  Thank god. Every so often I hear an update on Number 3, and I think, “Whew! I dodged a bullet on that one!”   

Numbers 1, 3 and 4 have all been divorced at least once that I know of.  Number 2 has 5 children, (I like to say from 4 different mothers but I’m not positive) and, to my knowledge, has never married.  He does get points, however, for counting his first son’s half-sister among his own.  That is pretty classy and decent of him. She has grown up to be a very pretty reality-TV “star” / student in her homeland.  (Think Baby-Spice meets Anna-Nicole.)

Aright, fine. In the spirit of full disclosure, 3 of the 4 exes seem to be doing well, at least professionally. 

• Number 1 works for a large corporation and teaches college part time. (I will remain vague on his occupation since I’m not sure if the Great Chicken Caper has been expunged from his record. He was only like 19 at the time.) 
• Number 2 took over and expanded his father’s company and does very well. (He’d better, with all those kids and baby-mamas to feed. I bet he’s grateful for state-sponsored healthcare.) 
• Number 3, though, I have no idea.  I’m guessing he’s still pretty fucked up.  In fact, I may stop claiming credit for his drama.  Thinking back, he may have been pretty well fucked-up before we started dating.  Even breaking-up with someone as awesome as me couldn’t cause that kind of freaky-deaky behavior.
• Number 4 is a successful entrepreneur and doing quite well, if you believe everything you read on Facebook. 

The other night, my husband and I were discussing my theory that breaking up with me, as demonstrated by my former flame’s tragic pasts, leads to bad things.  I think he kind of took it as a thinly-veiled threat, which is fine, I guess.  Anyway, after discussing it with him, I decided to draft a new letter to my exes.

Dear _________,

I am so sorry for all the tragic consequences from our break-up. I didn’t mean to hurt you.  Thank god, you’ve finally gotten your act together. (Except for you, Number 3. Seriously, just be gay.  It’s 2010 and nobody who counts gives a shit if you like dudes. Oh, and I’m also sorry your mom cheated on your dad with your best friend.  That was pretty crappy but, a long time ago so get over it.)

Anyway, _______, because we once meant so much to each other, I want to thank you for:

1.     breaking up with me in time for me to find an awesome prom date who was tall, hot and a good dancer.

2.     giving me the most poignant, gloriously beautiful break-up scene ever written in the history of break-ups and, for dumping me before I had the chance to give up all the hopes and dreams I had for myself in order to be with you.

3.     making me realize I am not a break-up and get-back-together person and that “seeing other people” is really an exit strategy.  (And, for agreeing to “see other people” which made the aforementioned poignant, gloriously romantic break-up scene on a beach at sunset possible.)

and,

4.     saying you wanted to “see other people”.  I would probably, eventually have gathered the courage to end it but who knows how long that would have taken? Those magical words essentially set me free.  I was able to walk away with no regrets and in to the arms, (after a brief but educationally-sluttish period of dating [Ha, ha just kidding, dear.]), of my amazing husband.

Without you, _____________, I would have never become the kick-ass wife and mother of two that I am today.  Thanks for the memories and the lessons learned. Please take care and I wish you all the happiness in the world. (Like I have.)

Yours,

The most unforgettable ex

With the sweet ass and great boobs,

Addison River

(That’s my porn name)